Setting Healthy Boundaries

Before diving into setting healthy boundaries, I think it is important to identify and define boundaries, healthy boundaries and explain the importance of boundaries in our lives. Knowing these facts, will help with motivation needed to set the boundaries that work best for your life and your needs.

Boundaries are limits or spaces between you and another person; it is a clear place where you begin, and the other person ends. The boundary types include physical, emotional, relational, mental/intellectual, sexual, spiritual, and financial. Healthy boundaries are those that are set to provide optimal wellness of oneself. Healthy boundaries are protective against burnout and are a vital part of self-care. When healthy boundaries are in place, this makes space for achieving balance in one’s life.

So, how do you start setting healthy boundaries if you have not already? First, think about areas in your life where you might feel stressed or overwhelmed. Second, when you think about these areas think of the times when you wanted to say “no,” but instead you said “yes.” And finally, if you think about that scenario and realized when you said “yes,” that caused more stress on you then that’s a place where you can start setting healthy boundaries. Identification of where healthy boundaries are needed in your life is the first step.

If this is something you have not done before or have not done in a while know that setting and communicating boundaries might feel strange and difficult the first several times that you do it. But start simple:

1.     State your boundary

2.     Say why it’s important to you

3.     Enforce it

Example: “I need at least a week’s notice for all food requests. Without a week’s notice, it does not give me adequate time for planning and coordinating the shopping trip into my schedule. If the request is less than a week’s notice, I will not be able to fulfill it.” No further explanations needed, but enforcement is necessary.

There are usually different areas of our lives where setting healthy boundaries will be helpful to our self-care, our inner peace, and our ability to make time for ourselves and the things that we value. Below, I will discuss a few different settings and give some examples of healthy boundaries that could be communicated and enforced to bring more balance to your life and routine.

 Work Setting

 The demands of work can be endless depending on your job. Sometimes what can slow us down the most is responding to emails and calls when we are trying to complete deadlines and to do list for the day. Some want and expect immediate responses to any request or questions but doing that for all messages received will leave you swamped, overwhelmed and unable to meet your assigned work tasks and deadlines for certain projects.

Your job/business is an opportunity to set healthy boundaries and they can look like:

• Add voicemail message to your phone that indicates your working hours and estimated time that call will be returned (“within 24-48hrs” or “within 48-72hrs”) and make it reasonable for your workload

• Add automatic replies to your emails during your workday that indicate working hours and estimated time when a return message will be received (“by the end of business day for all messages received by 3 pm or “within 24 hours during the work week”) and make it reasonable considering your workload

• Turn on out of office messages when on vacation or leave and indicate that no messages will be returned during this time

• Communicate when you are unable to fulfill a request or take on a voluntary project

• And then enforce the boundary; don’t answer emails after hours or when out of the office, don’t work on a request you communicated that you did not have the time to take on etc.

At Home

Your home also requires your time, energy, and attention. Whether you live alone, with roommates or with family setting boundaries is important in this space as well. You are only one person; a person who has various responsibilities, but also a person who requires balance to function in an optimal way.

Home is an opportunity to set healthy boundaries and they can look like:

• Assigning chores to all those able in the home, so that you are not the only person managing the cleaning, cooking, organizing, etc.… of the home

• Limiting visitors to your home, some of our loved ones like to “pop up” unannounced and though we may enjoy spending time with others, a healthy boundary may be asking any friends and/or family to inquire before stopping by

• Asking those in your home to give you a certain amount of advanced notice if they need your assistance for transportation, project, or other requests

• And remember to enforce the boundary every time. Healthy boundaries are enforced.

In personal relationships (friendships, familial relationships, and intimate relationships)

Relationships can be a source of joy, companionship, love, and support. Our relationships can bring value to our lives. And though we want to be able to receive and give support to those we love and care about, setting healthy boundaries with our loved ones can help strengthen our connections and build mutual respect.

Setting boundaries in our personal relationships is essential and they can look like:

• Informing friends when you don’t have the capacity to listen to some of the stressors/challenges that are impacting them

• Asking your partner to take on more responsibilities with child/children, pets or within the home

• Communicate to friends/family members/romantic partner when you need time to yourself

• Remember enforcing healthy boundaries is vital in boundary setting    

Setting boundaries is a crucial part of the self-care process and will help you create a better sense of well-being in your life. It can decrease moments of feeling overwhelmed and drained. And it will allow you more time for the things you enjoy and to rejuvenate your mind, body, and spirit.

The process of setting boundaries in different areas of your life may initially be associated with some feelings of guilt the first several times you communicate and enforce a boundary. But your mental health and well-being will thank you.

Remember the examples above may or may not be applicable to your life. Take some time to think about what areas of your life could use a healthy boundary and what specific boundaries will help you to function in a more optimal way.

Guest Blog Written by Ms. Kirby P. Williams

Ms. Williams is an adult psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner with more than a decade of experience as a psychiatric provider. Through her own business, Beacon Behavioral Health and Consulting, she provides individual mental health services and consulting services to psychiatric nurse practitioners and organizations. You can find out more information about her specific services HERE.